Prior to meeting my Kuwaiti in-laws I had only ever been to give condolences (azza) twice in Kuwait. One time to a dear friend who almost burst out laughing when she saw us (some blonde British friends and I) gingerly enter the room. We had no clue how to wear the abaya, scarfs sliding off our heads and the hem of the abaya almost tripping us up. No wonder she found it so funny. We thought she'd lost the plot trying to stop herself from laughing at such a solemn occassion but we didn't realise how strange and awkward we looked.
Have just been to give condolences this morning and I'm still not completely au fait with it all. I seem to go quite often now. But with a little tutoring from my beloved in-laws I'm getting a little better. I spent some time learning the Kuwaiti condolence phrase "adtham allah ajerkom." It wasn't easy; my sister-in-law gave me many lessons over the phone and one day I heard a room full of laughter it seems she had me on speakerphone - to the amusement of her family - I was making a horrible mess of it. So once it was almost perfect I tried it out on a few people at azza whilst my sister-in-law held her breath :OD
Some tips..
Firstly; dress code black abaya, if you don't wear hijab then scarf is not required (certainly not at the ones I've been to).
Secondly; leave your handbag in the car and lock the car. You cannot manage bag, abaya, hand-shaking and kissing - it's almost impossible, something will give, usually you tripping on the abaya.
Thirdly; it's not necessary to condole everybody just the main family but if in doubt go for all those that stand for you, shake hands and kiss them.Don't forget the old ladies unable to stand that are sat with them. And if you can manage a decent suitable phrase or two in Arabic or English it would be well received. Keep it brief.
Fourthly; no need to stay long. Sit for a short while and as soon as more visitors come in you can make an exit. I'm in and out in 10 minutes if it's a large crowd and 15 minutes for a smaller affair. Most importantly you were there. Only close family will stay for the three days.
Many azzas now have valet parking (nice touch) as the parking can be difficult otherwise.
Do not go on the morning of the first day. I made this mistake at the azza for my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. I had made plans to swing by to give condolences and then meet some friends for lunch at Avenues. So I put on respectful make-up but no lipstick, figured I could do that after the azza.
I thought I was being pretty smart getting duty and a lunch with the girls squeezed in that day. No...not recommended at all. The first day is when the men (sons, husbands, brothers) come back from the graveyard and into the ladies azza. And, of course, to see grown men so upset and crying and the daughters knowing their mother was really gone and buried - is just heartbreaking. There was much wailing and lots of tears. It was such a sad scene.
I had no idea and will keep my condolence giving to day 2 or 3 from now on. Needless to say I was very late for lunch and my face and eyes were red, swollen and blotchy. Lipstick wouldn't have helped.
Hope this helps the uninitiated. However this is for the Sunni azza I have heard the Shiite azza is a whole different matter - I've heard there's a whole lot of loud wailing, the louder the better.
Have just been to give condolences this morning and I'm still not completely au fait with it all. I seem to go quite often now. But with a little tutoring from my beloved in-laws I'm getting a little better. I spent some time learning the Kuwaiti condolence phrase "adtham allah ajerkom." It wasn't easy; my sister-in-law gave me many lessons over the phone and one day I heard a room full of laughter it seems she had me on speakerphone - to the amusement of her family - I was making a horrible mess of it. So once it was almost perfect I tried it out on a few people at azza whilst my sister-in-law held her breath :OD
Some tips..
Firstly; dress code black abaya, if you don't wear hijab then scarf is not required (certainly not at the ones I've been to).
Secondly; leave your handbag in the car and lock the car. You cannot manage bag, abaya, hand-shaking and kissing - it's almost impossible, something will give, usually you tripping on the abaya.
Thirdly; it's not necessary to condole everybody just the main family but if in doubt go for all those that stand for you, shake hands and kiss them.Don't forget the old ladies unable to stand that are sat with them. And if you can manage a decent suitable phrase or two in Arabic or English it would be well received. Keep it brief.
Fourthly; no need to stay long. Sit for a short while and as soon as more visitors come in you can make an exit. I'm in and out in 10 minutes if it's a large crowd and 15 minutes for a smaller affair. Most importantly you were there. Only close family will stay for the three days.
Many azzas now have valet parking (nice touch) as the parking can be difficult otherwise.
Do not go on the morning of the first day. I made this mistake at the azza for my sister-in-law's mother-in-law. I had made plans to swing by to give condolences and then meet some friends for lunch at Avenues. So I put on respectful make-up but no lipstick, figured I could do that after the azza.
I thought I was being pretty smart getting duty and a lunch with the girls squeezed in that day. No...not recommended at all. The first day is when the men (sons, husbands, brothers) come back from the graveyard and into the ladies azza. And, of course, to see grown men so upset and crying and the daughters knowing their mother was really gone and buried - is just heartbreaking. There was much wailing and lots of tears. It was such a sad scene.
I had no idea and will keep my condolence giving to day 2 or 3 from now on. Needless to say I was very late for lunch and my face and eyes were red, swollen and blotchy. Lipstick wouldn't have helped.
Hope this helps the uninitiated. However this is for the Sunni azza I have heard the Shiite azza is a whole different matter - I've heard there's a whole lot of loud wailing, the louder the better.
I had to go yesterday to an egypcian "azza". Nothing to do with what you are saying, different type of culures, I suppose. Thanks for the tips.
ReplyDeleteNatalia
Hi Natalia Q8
ReplyDeleteGlad I specified then. How do they differ? I've not been to an Egyptian one. I'd be interested to know.
I would be interested in knowing too. I've been to a few azza's in Kuwait and the only one I left sobbing uncontrollably was for the death of an 18 year old who had committed suicide in the building next to mine. I heard his mother come home and find him. It was AWFUL. I felt I had to pay my respects, but I probably shouldn't have since I couldn't keep myself under control. They were incredibly respectful and I think/hope - honored that a concerned neighbor would think of them.
ReplyDeleteI think most people are honored that foreigners would take the time to pay their respects - even if we sometimes (often?) make mistakes. :) It just shows that we are all one people.
HI DG, welcome back sweety. Oh gosh that suicide would be a really tough one to deal with. You are a doll for going, I think people would be very touched to think a neighbour cared enough to show up to pay their respects. I do like the 3 day condolences it's a great way to divert the incredible sorrow that could completely engulf you. And to have all these people come over to pay their respects to the deceased and to you; must be comforting. Yes lots of mistakes by us but I, too, think and hope they are outweighed by our gesture. I remember going to one azza and as we all shuffled around the family giving condolences I must have been busy practising my "adham allah ajerkom" in my head that when a lady thanked me for coming, in English, I got totally flummoxed and said "it's a pleasure." Yikes! Wanted to go back down the line to her and apologise/redeem myself but it was too late.. Hope she forgave me, was truly an unfortunate slip of the tongue
ReplyDeleteGreat advice Kim! Just wanted to add that most of the Azza I've attended in my years in Kuwait I haven't worn an abaya (too much stress to deal with it along wtih trying to remember the condolence phrase!) and, as you have said, I think people are just pleased you made the effort to go and don't really expect a foreigner to wear one.
ReplyDeleteHi Paula P
ReplyDeleteYes I think it would be fine not to wear one.
The reason I do is that even my nieces and relatives, that don't wear hijab or abaya normally, will ALWAYS wear one for azza. It does help blend in LOL and make me look less conspicuous :O)
And the foreigners with or without struggling with their abaya, handbag, hand shakes, kissing and Arabic condolence phrase always elicit a little smile and a yaa leila from them.
Thanks for popping by.